Sunday, October 13, 2013

Baby Love...You Got Me On My Knees

All of my life when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I could never really come up with an occupation. Of course there were times that I wanted to be a dolphin trainer at Sea World or silly things like this, but the only thing that remained throughout the years was that I wanted to be a wife and a mother.

Almost 13 months ago, Bobby and I decided we wanted to start a family. We were staring down some medical concerns which prompted us to want to get started faster than we had originally planned, but God worked right away to remove these boundaries for us. We thought the worst of our fear was over when it came to trying to conceive, however, month after month passed with no luck and even with the help of my OBGYN and a fertility medication, we still couldn't get pregnant. 

During this year of trying to have a baby, I had Nashville Fertility in the back of my mind, but months would come and go and we'd say to ourselves, "Let's give it just one more month..." The month would come and go with more disappointing news. Finally, when my OBGYN told us she had done all she could do, we knew it was time to reach out to the experts. 

In early September of 2013 we went for our first appointment to Nashville Fertility Center. 
Our first appointment at NFC - September 2013

We met with a very nice nurse who asked us both a million questions, and then met with our fantastic doctor who asked a million more questions and gave us about 2 trees worth of pamphlets to look over, but whose demeanor was such that we were immediately put at ease. After some time, an ultrasound, physical exam, and looking through all of my previous tests and paperwork, he told us that he had a strong suspicion that I have endometriosis. (In short, growths and adhesions on the outside of the uterus that impair the function of the ovaries and fallopian tubes.) 

The only way to diagnose endometriosis with certainty is through surgery where, if it is found, can be cut or lazered out. The outlook on fertility after the removal depends on the severity of the case. It is possible that we could go on to conceive naturally after the surgery, or we could be facing invetro-fertilization as our only option to have a biological child. In some very severe cases, some women are unable to have children at all. It all depends on what they find when they get into surgery, which in my case will be in a little over two weeks on October 28th.

While it's a scary situation to face an unknown outlook, it's also nice to know that there is a medical reason for this and that it is often treatable. It's also nice to know that the cause of our infertility is not simply "impatience." If I had a dime for the number of people who have told me, "You're just stressing out over it. Stop 'trying' and it will happen,"...well, I would have a lot of dimes. (By the way, that's probably the worst thing you could say to someone in our situation. Things I suggest saying instead include, "I'm going to pray for you." "I can't imagine how hard this must be for you." "You are strong, and I know you're going to get through this." "I don't know why this is happening, but know that I love you.")

I have felt the grip of infertility and have experienced it's all-consuming nature. It's the first thing on my mind when I wake up, and the last thing I pray about when I fall asleep. With every pregnancy announcement, my heart breaks a little more and with every passing month it becomes harder to hold on to God's promises. I know that God has a plan for our lives. I know that He is faithful. He will bring us out of this valley and one day, at the end of all of this, while it may not make total sense, it will be worth it.

Someone told me not long ago, "All of this struggle to get pregnant will seem like a distant memory when you're finally holding your baby that you've waited so long for." While I'm eager for the pain, frustration, and the feeling of impatience to go away, I'm not eager to forget this journey. I guess documenting these months is a sure way to preserve this stage in our lives so that we have it to look back on.